Creating Connection: Embrace Life and Death Conversations with Intention

When death comes to find you, may it find you alive.  -African Proverb

We all hope to have a good death, yet we struggle to talk about what that looks, sounds, and feels like with those we love and can advocate for our wishes. Yes, it might seem uncomfortable, but it’s one of the most meaningful conversations you can have.

Death – along with taxes – is one of life’s few certainties. Despite this inevitability, most people dread thinking and talking about when, how, or under what conditions they might die. – Deborah Karr

The human mind leans toward myopia when it comes to mortality. Fear of death is common. While it’s natural to hesitate, discussing end-of-life wishes is not just about preparing for death—it’s more about living a fuller life. Addressing these wishes helps us prioritize what truly matters, reduces anxiety, and fosters deeper connections. By confronting the reality of death, we gain clarity and peace of mind, allowing us to live with expanded purpose and intention.

When I discuss end-of-life wishes with my friends (after all, what are friends for?), their reactions vary. Some think it’s too morbid to discuss, while others have already put their wishes in writing. One friend used a planner called “I’m Dead, Now What” to start a conversation with her daughter. And then others prefer to let the chips fall where they may.

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

For many, the dying process is feared more than death. This is the great unknown and is often associated with pain, protracted suffering, and sadness stemming from past experiences. Of course, we don’t want our loved ones or ourselves to die at all, let alone too soon, but contrary to popular belief, discussing death doesn’t make it happen. Consider instead how it can provide comfort, relieve burdens, and change how we approach life.

So why do we wait?

FOMO—fear of missing out—comes to mind. We don’t want to die before we or our families are thriving or before we can travel, nurture friendships, connect in meaningful ways, and tick off all the things on our “life” lists. We aren’t taught how to talk about grief or death formally or casually, which contributes to a death-denying culture. Our stories about death, dying, and grief shape our language, beliefs, and behaviors. I call this our “Death Language.” Do you know what your Death Language includes?

Despite what we may think, death is not optional.

When it comes to death and grief literacy, our country’s track record regarding death and grief literacy is far from impressive. For instance, a study found that 75% of Americans say they want to die at home—but only 25% do. 

We can do better. It’s about connection. 

If how we die is one of the most important conversations America is NOT having, what can be done?

We can normalize conversations about death, dying, and grief by recognizing them for what they truly are: opportunities for connection. It’s about wanting to understand one another better—in living and dying. Knowing what someone values, loves, and desires in life matters when life is ending.

At first, these conversations may require vulnerability as we share our fears or personal stories. But bit by bit, with each conversation, the awkwardness fades, replaced by caring, loving, and honest discussions about our wishes.

Keep it simple and authentic. This is not an interrogation; it is a gift. Ultimately, you want to learn more about what matters to you and your loved one, as this will help you understand what is truly meaningful to them and you. Then, if are asked to make decisions when they no longer can, you will truly know how to honor them. 

Be intentional during those after-dinner conversations, birthday, or anniversary celebrations. They are perfect opportunities to share life’s important bits and to know more about them than their age. Connect with a conversation starter.